Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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