areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
