I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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