chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
