if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
