If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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