my phone needs a breathalizer
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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