I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Of course I have a pirate flag
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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