I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
