I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
