thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i came on her dog
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
