my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
