I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
