This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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