I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
