Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
worst night to have a conscience
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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