Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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