If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
