Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
