last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
