I think I died a long time ago.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
