I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
