And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
