he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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