i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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