Moan for me like Helen Keller
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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