Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
