I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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