im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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