I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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