My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
