we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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