Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
