my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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