So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
