I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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