she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
