Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
