I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
