she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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