Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
