Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
