so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
