I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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