Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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