Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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