I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
