Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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