I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
