You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
