you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
