I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
The Olympian is in my bed
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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