btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
